no, really, he didn’t see your …
Mr. Forte (my husband and, no, that’s not his real name) goes out in the backyard to eat a banana and survey our property beyond the snake wall nearly every morning after finishing a bowl of Cheerios and before he suits up (his term) to go downtown to the office. On weekends, we eat (not Cheerios) together and drink coffee while reading the horrible San Diego newspaper and the enlightened New York Times, but the Outdoor Banana routine doesn’t skip Saturdays, Sundays or holidays.
I was rinsing dishes in the Dirty Kitchen this morning when I saw him out there, his banana peel laid carefully on top of the three-foot wall, looking through the binoculars we’ve had since the old football game days. He came in a few minutes later.
Me: Spying on the naibs again?
Mot: Checking out the ‘hood. (This from an 82-year-old white guy. Good thing the nearest houses in this ‘hood, not counting our next-door neighbors who are – lucky for them – screened from view by dense trees, are a good quarter mile away across deep, wild canyons.)
Me: What could there possibly be to look at?
Mot: I have to keep an eye on that huge house going up over there (gesturing to the south).
Me: Aaah. The one you call The Compound?
Mot: It’s an Al Qaeda training camp.
Me: I won’t ask you again what possible basis you could have for believing that. But I will point out that the building you call The Barracks is really the same size as the one that was built on the lot across the street last year by those other people. It’s just that you’re looking at it side-on instead of end-on, and it makes it seem much larger.
Mot: (Spatially and architecturally challenged, doesn’t believe a thing I just said but can’t think how to frame the argument.)
Me: I really hope no one sees you.
Mot: Why not? I’m performing a public service.
Me: They just think you’re one of those creepy old guys looking in people’s bedrooms, Peeping Tom.
Mot: It’s Peeping Mot.
Me: Much catchier.
Mot: Peeping Mot’s Neighborhood Watch.
Me: Keepin’ us safe.
Posted in: casa de swell, human beans, la-la-la-love, my guy
Tags: adobe soup, binoculars, candace mann, in the 'hood, mr. forte, neighborhood watch
What people are saying: 24 Comments
09.02.2012 - 1:39 pm
Funny stuff! When it’s hot, does Mot step out in his t-shirt,Bermuda shorts, black socks and sandals? That was the image that my old man used to present to our neighborhood, though I can’t remember that he never used binoculars. Personally I enjoy my morning coffee outside on the deck in my Micahel Jordon Hanes Classics, but I live out in the woods on a mountain where nobody notices such things.
candace Reply:
September 2nd, 2012 at 1:54 pm
mr. forte, of course, is a styling dude and never wears black socks except with black wingtips. his Peeping Mot outfit is more casual, of course.
09.02.2012 - 2:00 pm
The image fits perfectly. You can never tell, especially in the current environment. Just be sure Mot doesn’t slip on the peel.
candace Reply:
September 2nd, 2012 at 3:19 pm
it’s like having my very own guard dog, but wearing a ratty t-shirt. sweet old thing. thanks, lea. it’s always so good to see you.
09.02.2012 - 2:02 pm
you have a DIRTY kitchen? Does that mean you have a separate CLEAN kitchen? Something like Kosher dairy and meat kitchens? Tell Mot to start a compost pile w/ those peels. Then he’ll have an excuse to give the police when they come by on the Peeping Mot complaint. “Well Officer, if you must know, I was tending my compost pile”
candace Reply:
September 2nd, 2012 at 3:22 pm
it means that there’s a wall that divides the kitchen into presentable and dirty halves. come to think of it, very like milk and meat. good suggestion, but someone will have to explain to mot what compost is, and i’m positive he won’t like it. hee!
09.02.2012 - 2:43 pm
This is what all of us old guys do. We keep watch!
Al Queda or Religious Right Compound, I am right there with him! . . . . .Until it comes to the “snake wall.” I’ve never heard of one of those before. Not that I am terrified of needing one of those or anything. . .not scared at all. . .
Great piece Candace!
candace Reply:
September 2nd, 2012 at 3:24 pm
i’m terrified of what is beyond the snake wall, roger, which is why it’s there. when i saw him out there, seriously scanning the horizon with those glasses, i heard in my head “all along the watchtower.” i just know you know that one. xo
09.02.2012 - 3:38 pm
Over at The Compound, there’s a guy eating an apple while observing The Casa through binoculars, telling his wife about the Dirty Kitchen.
candace Reply:
September 2nd, 2012 at 3:46 pm
i wouldn’t be a bit surprised. i guess i’m going to have to build mr. forte a duck blind so he can observe unobserved. well, if you’re a duck.
09.02.2012 - 5:18 pm
My ‘Mot’ is also a curious fellow. Used to work for Dun and Bradstreet.
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:25 am
great! thanks for stopping by.
09.02.2012 - 6:21 pm
Might I suggest that he get his very own attack chihuahua to keep him company on his vigil. I just happen to have one that will be ready for a home in about six more weeks…just saying…
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:26 am
it would have to be one hella chihuahua to hold off the coyotes around here, but it never hurts to try to peddle puppies, david. early and often, as they say.
09.02.2012 - 7:11 pm
Fun Post. “Peeping Mot’s Neighborhood Watch.” Very catchy phrase.
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:27 am
thanks, seattle woman! wish we had some water to look at down here where it’s dry and awful hot.
09.02.2012 - 7:25 pm
Wait, i’m still on the wall thing. Can I put up a wall and put the dirty dishes behind it? How about the past-it leftovers from the fridge, the old issues of the New Yorker that I can’t stand to throw out, and the aging bottles of herbal nostrums that I forget to take because I forget what they’re for?
If Mr. Mot starts using a telescope that places a red dot on the object of interest, you should start to worry.
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:29 am
you could, sirenita. hiding dirty dishes any old way is not only allowed but encouraged around here. the rest of that stuff – you’re on your own. i’m of the Pitch It persuasion myself. oh, and i started worrying about mot loooong ago. heh.
09.03.2012 - 8:01 am
Peeping Mot’s Neighborhood Watch.
Does he freelance? I have some pretty sketchy neighbors down the canyon from me… I could pay him in bananas.
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 9:30 am
he DOES! and i am always up for someone to replenish the goddamn banana stash. send me your email address and i’ll send you his resume.
09.03.2012 - 10:23 am
The idea of your man out there, holdin’ it down in the ‘hood, all alert and with the proper gear, is very comforting. ‘Specially out there in the canyons where crazy stuff goes down, what with your snakes and coyotes an’ all…
candace Reply:
September 3rd, 2012 at 12:20 pm
i’m glad that you and i are comforted by mr. forte’s being on patrol. i only wish we could say the same for the people across the canyon. i always *love* your comments, 22. damn.
09.03.2012 - 10:26 pm
haaa! funny stuff. How come they never believe us? no matter what?
A nicely relatable little snippet of life at the Casa, I somehow don’t believe Candace has a dirty kitchen, it just doesn’t jive.
10.07.2012 - 7:08 pm
I like that Mot eats a banana every day, and that you still have a pair of old binoculars, and that you both seem to believe a three-foot wall will keep snakes out.
Like the old joke about tiger-proofing the yard with mothballs goes : Yeah, well, you seen any tigers here lately ?